15 Reasons to Root for the Niners on Sunday

Are you a casual fan without a rooting interest in this year’s Super Bowl? Do you not give a flying fuck about either the Ravens or the Niners? Were you planning on rooting for whichever team has better uniforms? Has your team lost to both Super Bowl participants in disheartening ways?

/hangs head

Well, guess what I have in store for you! I have 15 fail-proof reasons why rooting the Niners on Sunday will be a much more enjoyable and guilt-free experience. Read ‘em and weep.

NFL: New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers

1. Patrick Willis
Patrick Willis is fucking awesome. His combination of size, power and explosive athleticism makes him damn near the perfect middle linebacker; the rare specimen who is equally adept against the pass and the run. He’s also a fiery leader who sets a powerful example in the locker room; the type of guy who his teammates all unquestioningly follow. Basically he’s a young Ray Lewis, except without, you know, the whole murder thing.


2. Chewy, Oodie Goodness…and Fraudulence
Speaking of Ray Lewis, you know that wonderful comeback he’s made from tearing his triceps back in Week 6? The inspirational return that sparked a tidal wave of “Win One for Ray” sentiment that has propelled the Ravens to the Super Bowl? Yeah, that one? Bullshit! Sports Illustrated has reported that Mitch Ross, the owner of a sports science company, has a recorded phone conversation in which Lewis orders Deer Antler Velvet Extract. Nicknamed “The Ultimate Spray”, this product is loaded with IGF-1, a product that is on the NFL’s list of banned substances.

Why is it banned, you ask? Well, IGF-1 is a hormone that simulates muscle growth. It also happens to be how HGH works (the human liver converts HGH into IGF-1). Essentially, Ray Lewis was spraying HGH under his tongue  chugging deer antler every two hours.

Besides the fact that this is some Harry Potter apothecary shit, this shouldn’t be surprising. A torn triceps injury healing in two-and-a-half months is absurd even before factoring in Lewis’ age (37). It also shouldn’t be surprising considering that the NFL is undoubtedly full of PED use, especially as long as there is no way for the current testing procedures to detect HGH.

That’s the thing about this story. I ordinarily wouldn’t give a shit about someone, even a prominent player, getting busted for PEDs; I assume that they are almost all using something; human beings do not naturally become 6’4″ 255 with 4% body fat. However, this story should cut through all the BS storylines about how Ray “deserves” to go out on top. Of course, that is wishful thinking on my part. ESPN has already hired Ray as a studio analyst for next season; it’s not surprising that they have publicized false information to try and sweep this under the rug. It’s a shame, since there are so many questions left to be asked. Did God preordain this? Did Ray stab the deer himself and then mysteriously dispose of his orange hunting jacket? The public needs answers!

Oh, but by the way, Ray says he’s innocent because he never tested positive for anything! That would mean something if, you know, the league actually tested for the substance he allegedly took. Don’t worry Ray, the Marion Jones/Lance Armstrong defense method is failproof!

3. Muppet Dopplegangers

Colin Kaepernick’s is the Great Gonzo.

kaepernick gonzo

Joe Flacco’s is Bert from Sesame Street.

flacco bert

Advantage: Kaepernick

4. Jim is the Funnier Harbaugh

Here is a video of Jim Harbaugh messing with the press by being a hilarious weirdo.

The best part of this is the 0.06 mark. Harbaugh starts to crack a shit-eating grin before catching himself and continuing with the joke. Good stuff.

Also, this makes me giggle.

i said good day!
5. Moss this, Moss that

moss niners

The 49ers have Randy Moss. Randy Moss, quite simply, is a boss. The man is only the second-best receiver of all time, but no one single-handedly impacted a game like Randy Moss in his prime. The man was like having a cheat code in a video game. Here, take another look at what Randy Moss was capable of.

I can’t decide which of these is my favorite. Is it the one handed grab against Tampa from his early Minnesota years? Is it the play from college where he breaks one tackle, hurdles another and then leaves a third in his dust? Is it when he burns Anthony Smith, the Steelers safety who guaranteed a win, so badly that he stops running the last few yards, turns his back to the end zone and casually steps in for the touchdown? Or is it the play at 1:48 where he catches a 50 yard bomb between two defenders with the crook of his fricken elbow?

Randy is also a much more complicated individual than the “selfish and lazy” label he received from the press. The vilification of Randy Moss started back in high school, stemming from his involvement of a racial brawl. His “crime” was beating the piss out of someone who had scrawled his name next to the sentence “All Niggers Must Die” on a desk. I’m sure I’d have serious trust issues too if beating up a racist piece of shit was somehow spun to make me the bad guy.

Don’t get me wrong; Randy Moss isn’t an angel. He’s certainly had his share of immature missteps and his “play when I want to play” comment will always be the difference between him and Jerry Rice. However, no NFL player has ever been as misunderstood than Randy. Winning a ring will be a massive gut-punch to everyone who lazily vilified him over the years without taking a minute to try to understand him. That alone makes it worth rooting for.

Randy Moss also did this.

Lets be honest: the man deserves a ring for that quote, if nothing else.

6. San Francisco > Baltimore

baltimore sucks

Times a million. Baltimore eats rat anus.

7. Running Quarterbacks: A (Much Needed) Paradigm Shift

If the Niners win on Sunday, it will mean that Colin Kaepernick quarterbacked his team to a championship. I don’t think I can overstate how big of a deal that will be.

A Kaepernick-guided championship will destroy the outdated notion that only pure pocket passers can be truly successful in the NFL. That’s awesome. Not only will it give grumpy old sports writers like David Whitley (who spent an entire column equating Colin Kaepernick to San Quentin inmates because of his tattoos) a heart attack, but it will open the door for more players like Kaepernick to get their chances in the NFL.

In the past two years we’ve seen athletic freaks like Cam Newton, Kaepernick and RGIII electrify the NFL. Each of these “college-style” quarterbacks faced questions about their ability to adapt to the NFL game. Instead, they’ve forced the NFL to adapt to them; in fact, defensive coordinators still haven’t figured out how to defend these guys. There simply is no defense for a quarterback who is a threat to do this at any time.

Doesn’t the look on Jared Allen’s face say it all?

The NFL has proven time-and-time again to be a copycat league. Concepts that work will instantly spawn imitators. If Kaepernick wins, he will become the first quarterback primarily defined by freakish athleticism to win the big one. That’s a good thing. The past few seasons have seen NFL teams incorporate unconventional, college-style scheming into their repertoires, often with dynamic results. We all know that the NFL game is conducive to big plays and downfield passing; the next step is a quarterback that can take a gap in the defense and leave the entire defense in his dust.

There’s no denying it: the game is more fun with guys like this. A Niners win will mean more of them.

8. This

purple camo alert

Don’t get me wrong; every NFL team has fans that dress like morons and give their fanbase a bad name. But the Purple Camo is a widespread thing amongst Ravens fans. Look at this shit.


Do you really want these people to be happy?

9. Also, This

Fuck this shit. I’m sure the Niners don’t have a mascot this stupid…

/googles “niners mascot
/finds this

niners mascot

Ok, that’s a tie. Disregard this reason.

10. The “God” Factor


There are many reasons to dislike Ray Lewis. His shameless proselytizing is absolutely one of them. There are few things in life more annoying than people who shove their religion in people’s faces and no one in sports, even the almighty Tebow, does this in such a hypocritical and self-promotional way as Ray Lewis.

Here’s what Ray said immediately after Baltimore’s stunning win over the Broncos:

“No weapon formed shall prosper! No weapon! No weapon! No weapon! God is amazing! And when you believe in him; man believes in the possible, God believes in the impossible!”

If God exists, he certainly doesn’t give a shit who wins a fucking football game. Yes, even a playoff game. Shut the fuck up, Ray.

The most embarrassing part of Ray’s over-the-top publicizing of his faith is the fact that the majority of the media and public have eagerly lapped it up. This is a man who played a role in a murder. This is a man who has fathered six children with four different women. This is a man who uses scripture quotes about humility, but always makes sure there’s a camera there to capture it. Yet, he says “God” a lot and people buy his “redemption” storyline like a bunch of mindless lemmings. It’s embarrassing.

11. Avoiding the “Is Flacco Elite?” discussion

Joe Flacco had seven games with a quarterback rating below 80 this year. Seven! That’s almost half the season! Despite this, legions of morons will claim that a win this Sunday puts Flacco at the same level as Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

Let’s look at this logically.  Would the Packers be nearly as good as they are now if you replaced Aaron Rodgers with Joe Flacco? Would the Saints even be good if you replaced Brees with Flacco? Would the Ravens be improved if they swapped out Flacco for one of those guys?

That’s what I thought. Joe Flacco is NOT elite. Stop it.

Oh, but he’s played so well in the postseason! Look at how he’s raised his game! Well, let’s take a closer look at this playoff run. Flacco first tore apart a in-over-its-heads Colts team with a bad secondary. He then exploited an overrated Denver team that hadn’t played anyone worth a damn in three months (lets not forget his stats from that game are vastly inflated by the worst blown coverage in recent memory). Finally, he took down a bad Patriots secondary that helplessly inept once it lost its best corner early. Flacco has played well recently, yes, but against teams that he should play well against.

Joe Flacco has been in the NFL for five years. He is what he is; a quarterback capable of having great games and awful ones, often week to week. Elite quarterbacks single-handedly give their team a chance to win every time they step onto the field. If you think Joe Flacco does that, you’re nuts. Winning one more game this year will not magically change that.

12. Player Safety

As player safety and particularly concussion concerns in football reach the level that has the President commenting on them, lets ask this question; has any team over the years been as consistently dirty as the Ravens? The safety tandem of Ed Reed and Bernard Pollard has probably tackled more people with their helmets than their arms. Not to mention the fact that every time one of these head-hunters gets flagged and inevitably fined later in the week they get on their soapbox and huff and puff about how they might as well play two-hand touch or flag football. How dare the NFL try to take dangerous helmet-to-helmet hits out of the game! What have a few little concussions ever done to anyone?

Of course, Baltimore fans will answer my initial question by saying the Steelers are worse when it comes to dirty play. I refer my response to this to a smarter man than me, known only by the alias “DangerNut”, who once wrote on the following on the internet:

“It is so hilarious how Steeler and Ravens fans hate each other because they are mirror images. It’s like watching two retards dry hump the opposite end of a couch, shouting insults to each other.”

So eloquent. So very true.

13. Persecution Complex

Ravens fans are easily amongst the most obnoxious in the entire NFL. When they aren’t donning the aforementioned Purple Camo pants, they are coming up with conspiracy theories about how the league, the refs, the media, Roger Goodell and everyone in-between are “conspiring” against the Ravens. How much do Ravens fans lack self awareness? There’s a decent number of them out there that still hold a grudge over Indianapolis taking the Colts, but still get indignant whenever anyone mentions a peep about Art Modell stealing the beloved Browns from Cleveland.

Speaking of Modell, he was a flaming piece of shit. There’s yet another reason to root against the Ravens.

14. “T-Sizzle” is a Woman Beater


This is Terrell Suggs, last year’s Defensive Player of the Year. Here’s a list of things he’s allegedly done to his current fiancé during their time as a couple: broke her nose by kicking her, held her and their son down and poured bleach on them, “punched her neck and drove a car containing their two children at a ‘high rate of speed’ while she was being dragged alongside”

Yeah, he seems likable. Lets root for this guy!

15. Where’s Your Suit, Ray?

ray lewis cuffed

Lest we forget the fact that Ray Lewis at the very least helped two of his friends get away with stabbing two people to death. This is the emotional leader of the Baltimore Ravens, folks. He’s also a hypocritical piece of shit.

My prediction for the game is Niners: 100, Ravens: 0. Enjoy the Super Bowl, everybody.



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